Dear Marine, You Broke My Heart
I still remember the first time you kissed me when we were just 13. I still remember the first time you held my hand and making out on the couch when we were teenagers. I remember what it felt like to see you for the first time in person since we decided to give us a shot. I can recall the way you kissed me, like a starving man eating for the first time in months. If I close my eyes, I can still picture and feel us making love. All of this, bittersweet in nature, I remember and will most likely remember for the rest of my life because I was so in love with you and, even though you broke my heart, I'm still in love with you.
I was once bitten, twice shy when it came to relationships but you wouldn't let me run away. I gave you many opportunities to end us before we began in order to preserve our friendship, but you didn't want that. You were the first to admit being in love and it left me stunned yet elated. You would call or FaceTime me to fall asleep. You assured me I was the one you wanted, I was the one you needed and I was the perfect fit. You made me vulnerable, made me bare my soul and heart to you, which would make me fall apart when you decided you really didn't want to be with me. I cried, questioned what was wrong with me, and felt empty inside. Honestly, I still feel pretty empty inside because you took it all.
I have all these theories about why you chose to end us because you weren't honest in anything you said. You were selfish and took my love, my affection and sucked me dry. You promised we'd work it all out and that I was it, but you chose to go back to your ex. I can honestly say you fucked up, but more than that, it makes me sad that you would rather settle for someone you know won't ultimately make you happy rather than have some risk involved and be with someone who made you passionate, laugh, a better person and feel loved.
It would be easier if I could hate you, Marine, but I don't. I am deeply hurt and disappointed, but hatred is not in me. I think, maybe, one day it won't hurt to think of you or hear your name. What I know is that right now I can't delete the photos of us from my phone because it reminds me that we were very real, even if it didn't last. I know that I won't ever love another man the way I loved you because you'll forever have distinct pieces of me. I suppose I hope that there is a part of you that will remember me fondly in the future, even if we never speak again.